Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
