I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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