my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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