During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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