I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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