made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You made out with two different species that night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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