Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
