It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
