I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
