my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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