mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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