I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
