Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You're like the curious george of whores
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
