Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
