you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
