I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize