Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
