Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
