It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
