You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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