I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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