I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Cover your peen. We're going out.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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