Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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