"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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