I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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