This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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