I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
