Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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