good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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