I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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