i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
