There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
