There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
