I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
