I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
