So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
