he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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