Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
