Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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