Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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