I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
