I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
