You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
