Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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