Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
