This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
