I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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