we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize