first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
