I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
