I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
