He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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