he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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