beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
