i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
