Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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