Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
