The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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