i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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