just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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