I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
