I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize