The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
