I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
